Funny Jokes: 4 Nigerian jokes that you have never heard

Here are four Nigerian jokes that never did go mainstream, but have always guaranteed laughter in all who did hear.

Plantains

Teacher: Kola, spell plantain

Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?

He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?", some people (like me) have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'

Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!

Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',

if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'

if you loast am, na 'BORLI'

All of them na plantain,

so whish one you wan make I spell?

LONDON ZOO

A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoo for sightseeing. On getting to the section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving out plenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. The more the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.

This young man suddenly had an idea and when he got back to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.

During his next visit to London, he went into the zoo and took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money than the real monkeys.

The king of the monkeys didn't like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had to go on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey who now became the new king.

The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into the cage. The new king pocketed his money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could not comprehend this and would not allow all that money to go away like that; so he jumped into the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion's cage.

The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.

Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:

"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you."

Hungry and Broke

There were three men living together in London. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.

However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CROSSES. BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. And you know how we are. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Beer. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, But before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him."Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them so, " Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU OOOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!"

NNA, IYON AND KANABAR

An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.

The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."

The conductor then told the driver, "Idi-oro wa O."

On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, "Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O."

The conductor cracked up in laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos."

One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, "Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.",

Proverbs: Wise words of a Nigerian father to his son

Nigerians are famous for our many proverbs and wise sayings that stand the test of time. Here are some below from a father to his son. Really priceless.

1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.

2. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.

3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.

4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.

5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in- charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.

6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.

7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.

8. My son, in our days, we had many wives and many children because of our large farm- lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.

9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.

10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of

spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.

11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother

father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.

12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.

13. My son, your mother rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car

outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.

14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man.

15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house, divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.

16. My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.

17. My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.

18. My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.

19. My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.

20. My son, your mother and I are not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.

21. My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.

22. My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, so that your children will take care of you too.

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Funny: Angry wife beats husband to pulp because he had too many Instagram followers

A wife who repeatedly warned her husband against having Instagram followers beat him to a pulp for having 150 fans.

An angry wife in New York, Shawna Turner, has been arrested by the police after she allegedly beat up her husband, Terry, he had to be hospitalised.

His crime? He had over 150 followers on Instagram, the popular photo sharing social media application.

Police report that Turner claimed she had warned her husband several times about adding women who looked like Amber Rose to his page but apparently, her husband thought she was joking and when she could not take it any longer, she had to take measures to put him in check.

She has been was charged with domestic abuse and breaking and entering for going through her husband’s locked cellphone.

According to police, it is a crime in New York to enter someone’s cell phone without permission.

Babatunde Fashola: Lagos State Governor gets international award

The ICG chose Fashola and six other notable persons to be honoured at its annual awards ceremony set to hold in New York on October 26, 2015.

Lagos State Governor, Babatunde Fashola is set to be conferred with the Stephen Solarz Award by the International Crisis Group (ICG), a global conflict prevention organisation.

The ICG chose Fashola and six other notable persons to be honoured at its annual awards ceremony set to hold in New York on October 26, 2015.

According to the organization, the governor is being honoured “for his commitment to resolving social, economic and security challenges in one of the world’s most challenging urban environments”.

“Each award goes to a pioneer of peace, to a relentless fighter for the improvement of people’s lives, to someone who has built bridges, believed in change and mobilised others in the name of justice,” ICG President, Jean-Marie Guéhenno, said at the organization’s headquarters in Brussels.

Other awardees include Sir Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Group and former United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, Sadako Ogata, among others.

Jungle Justice: Robbery suspect burnt by mob in Abia

A suspected member of a robbery gang terrorizing residents of 7UP area of Ogbor Hill, Aba, Abia State has been set ablaze.

It was gathered that the gang of 12 robbers were raiding an apartment in the area when a member of the gang attempted to rape a woman but was resisted by her husband.

He ran out of luck when neighbours raised the alarm which attracted the attention of others who came to the rescue of the couple while the gang fled leaving behind the randy member.

A resident of the area who spoke on the condition of anonymity told said that while the suspect tried to escape, other members of the community seized and tied him up and later set him ablaze at the 7UP junction.

The source added the gang had been terrorizing residents of the area, raping women, dispossessing them of cash, mobile phones and other valuables.

The Abia State Police Public Relations Officer, (PPRO) Ezekiel Onyeke who confirmed the incident said that before policemen from the nearby Ohuru Isimiri Division could get to the scene, the villagers had already set the suspect robber ablaze.

Nigerian man held in Indian for duping Facebook lover

Another Nigerian man has been nabbed in far away Indian where has been duping women he meets on Facebook.

A Nigerian man based in India, David Chibunna and a female associate, Tsenyani alias Anni, has been arrested for allegedly duping women he met on Facebook of several millions of dollars, News Nation India reports.
The reports has it that Chibunna and Anni are being held by the Special Cell of Delhi police after days of surveillance of areas like Deoli-Khanpur, Munirka and Mehrauli in south Delhi.
The police found out that his gang made use of a large number of international SIM cards which they deceived victims by posing as persons based abroad and they believe several women may have been duped in the scheme.
Chibunna's racket was burst open when a Kolkata based woman who was duped  Rs 670,752, (about N212, 899, 97), approached police.
Police spokesperson, DCP Sanjeev Kumar Yadav said:
"This woman had received a friend request on Facebook from a man identifying himself as Lewis Williams, a resident of London, UK. Gradually, they became close friends and used to have voice calls and chats over WhatsApp, Viber etc.
Lewis Williams was using a UK phone number for interacting with the complainant.
When their friendship was going strong, Lewis Williams made a plan to visit India to meet her and to visit places of tourists’ interests. Accordingly, he had got flight tickets booked for London-Delhi via Dubai and further from Delhi to Kolkata to meet the complainant.
On April 6, after Lewis Williams had landed in Delhi, the complainant received a call from one Ms Nikita Singh, who introduced herself as a customs agent and informed the woman that Lewis Williams had been detained upon arrival as he was found carrying 1,00,000 GBP of undeclared cash along with other incriminating articles.
The caller requested for the sum of  Rs 670,752, to be able to bail Williams which she sent to an account. After that, Williams was no where to be found and after waiting for him to call her in vain, she reported to the police.
It was through a thorough investigation that we realised that Williams was in fact the Nigerian while the custom official was Tsenyani, alias Anni."